Men have questioned my worth. 

As an empathic person wired to soothe others (a literal life lesson coded into my body) I bought into this programming. Bought! HA.  

If it makes the other person feel better for me to be satisfied with less, I should accept that.  

Right?  

Once I was eyeing bread in a grocery store while on a weekend date. It was my date’s turn to purchase. He’d offered to take us to lunch, but the restaurants in the town we were visiting were overcrowded, so I said I’d make us lunch. Up to this point I had outspent him on the weekend. I’d provided the gorgeous house where we were staying. He was eating thoughtful meals with me and my family, meals for which he’d shelled out not a penny.

Gluten free bread is more expensive than other bread. It’s also hard to choose, because it’s ALL expensive, but it’s not all good. If you know, you know.  

I was thinking.. 

Perhaps misinterpreting what I was thinking about my date said,  

“It’s okay.. I’ll pay for the gluten free bread.”  

My brain short circuited. Did I hear that right?  

Yes, I heard that right. And while I was and am strong enough to not be offended by that oversight, it ricocheted in my consciousness. I was about to MAKE THE LUNCH that we would be consuming!  

WORTHINESS is why I faked orgasms! My brain: “I should fake orgasm or just not need one, because it’s going to bore/exhaust my partner to get me there and that’s not okay.”

I mean. Seriously.  

My sense of worthiness awareness affects how I choose and manage my relationships, friendships, care team, doctors, dentists, all healers, house cleaners, staff, shopping services, fitness coaches and teachers. EVERYONE. My worthiness affects what my children believe about themselves. 

We live in what master teacher Dolores Cannon called a ‘convoluted universe’. I think this means that mastery is found in believing the converse of what appears to be true.  

I always get stronger when I see my current discomfort as an invitation to release the pattern.  

It is NOT easy.  

When my daughter got into trouble as a teen my initial thoughts were full of ego: “She can’t do this to me! I am not the kind of mother that has a kid with these issues!”  

Ugh, so cringe inducing!  When I let go of my ego and surrendered to becoming the mother she needed, our family healed. And, side benefit, I grew quite a bit as a mother. Shefali Tsabary says that we think we are our children’s teachers, but they are actually here to teach US.  

Convoluted universe, you got me.  

Illness, boredom, exhaustion, frustration, loneliness, injuries—all of these are teaching experiences. And I posit, often tied to worthiness. Because challenges befall us when we are out of alignment, AKA not allowing ourselves to receive and expand. Resisting.  

Learning to receive, to feel WORTH IT and to allow more and more, is a practice. We have set points for abundance, success and happiness. Those set points are stubborn and take intention and practice to release. But the good news is they definitely CAN shift.  

And it feels so good when they do. Maybe not always orgasmically good... but gluten free sandwich good for sure.